The lady in question is one with I have been working. I see her at the shopping mall, on a Sunday. And walk up to her at the shopping mall.
We had never shared a good rapport, so I am slightly apprehensive. Surprisingly she fires the first question. Catching me off guard. By the way, she is the one talking in italics. No special reason for that, but still.
“So what’s up this weekend?” Says the damsel.
“Hey nothing much, I need to clean the house. And cook.” I curse myself for involuntarily portraying myself as the unfashionable, slogging male who cannot afford McDonalds and Pizza Hut.
“Cook! Wow! So you cook yourself?”
I can tell that the surprise on her face isn’t exactly natural. “Yeah I do. I cook myself.”
“Hey, that’s cool. What you gonna cook?”
“Yeah, today is Sunday, right. Thought I’ll cook something special. Planning to make vegetable fried rice.” At least I said something catchy. I feel happy. Thank God I didn’t tell curd-rice.
“How did you learn to cook?”
She doesn’t know cooking. It’s evident from her fluttering eyelids. “I’ll tell you later.” The ball is on the borderlines. It might slip into my court now. I tighten myself.
“Oh hey, are you a veggie? "
What if she is a veggie? What if she is not? I decide to play it safe. “No not exactly. But yeah, a forced one. Forced vegetarian.” Wow!
“Forced vegetarian? What’s that?”
Great, I have managed to stroke her intellect. And interest. “Yeah, my mouth does water at the sight of non-veg food but my stomach revolts when it tries to digest the same. So forced to don the veggie garb.”
“Ha Ha, that’s funny!" Its a fantastic feel when humor clicks.
I thank my english teachers and the books I have read. Words never fail me.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll make my fried rice in lots of ghee. It’ll be quite tasty then…”
“Hmm, you can afford to make things in ghee and oil, I can’t.”
“Hey why? Why can’t you?” I act concerned.
“Coz, I am trying to slim down. Need to shed some kilos. So no ghee, no oil for me.” There’s that petulant look on her face, the one which girls put on while they get self-indulgent.
I think I’ll cheer her up. Time for more humor. Along with a slight dose of flattery.
“Hey you look alright though.” I ignore the few evident extra pounds.
“Any way that’s sad. I’ll tell you a technique by which you can lose 7 kilos in a week. Just four thousand rupees.” I say.
“That’s awesome. 4000 and 7 kilos in a week? That means 28 kg in a month? WOW!”
Jesus! Some mathematics! “Yeah it sure is. Don’t try it at a stretch. Split it up across four months. Okay?”
“Yeah sure, tell me.” Fluttering eyelashes. Nice.
“Go to hotel Sea queen; eat Non-vegetarian thaali meals for four days at a stretch. You can try other dishes too, but then I can’t give a guarantee for that.” I take care to put on a poker face.
“Ok, what the hell does a hotel have to do with it?” Good going, I have her hooked.
“Come on. Don’t jump the gun.” I am still poker faced.
“Ok, am listening. Go ahead.”
“Ok, you eat that stuff…what was it that I told?” Memory testing. Beep Beep. It’s good to test your own performance in holding the interest of the subject
“Non vegetarian thaali meals, right?” Good. She is listening.
“Yeah you’re bright. Eat it for four days. Fifth day, in case you’re alive, you’ll be down with diarrhea. If you’re really lucky you might get vomiting as well.”
“What? What the f**k?” She sure is shocked at the dismal imagery that I have conjured up, if the four letter word which sputtered out is any indication.
“Listen. Then get yourself admitted in PM Hospital, Adayar. They will treat; rather ill treat you like hell. “ I turn it on. “And bingo, within a week you lose 7 kilos!”
“Ha ha, you’re ultimate.” Big grin on the pretty face.
“Now you know why I learnt cooking, don’t you?”
“Yeah, got it. Ha Ha. Too good” . Now she is laughing.
I shed the poker face and grin. Operation success. “Yeah, purely out of desperation. Nothing else.”
We walk together out, smiling and grinning.
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That’s all. A blow-hot-and-cold relation has now changed into a much more warmer and fulfilling one, thanks to a hospital stint and a timely dose of humor. We talk more frequently now.
Strange are the ways of life.
May be this is what Lord Krishna said in the Gita, “Whatever has happened is for your own good”.
